Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
I can get you off the Naughty List.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Hello there, how do you brew?
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
You are aged to perfection.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.