“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.