A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.