What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What a spud muffin.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!