“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Wanna see my world cup in action?
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.