Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Shake your shamrocks.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
My fridge is hotter than you.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Water you doing, my friend?
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’