If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Who’s your paddy?
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
You snow the drill.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
"Sip happens."
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous