Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
"Just don't carrot all."
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
He threw three free throws.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!