What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
I’m elf-taught.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Summer is just floating by.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I want you more than I want world peace.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.