What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I love you a tot!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
You shamrock my world.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.