What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
How was Heaven when you left it?
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
You’re more special than relativity.