“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous