What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.