All stereos are so typical.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"You can't sip with us."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.