What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
"Alcohol you later."
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”