How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart

“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.

I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.

"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown

I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!

The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.

How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!

What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.

"Bury me next to a straight man."

My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.

Hey Bella, looking for a fella?

What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!

Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater

I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.

Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.

Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.

How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!

A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."

Darling, I never want you to leaf me.

What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

- Bill Maher

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.

If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.

“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”

I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.

After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.

Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.

We have great chemis-tree.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.

Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.

What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.