“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
"My cat doesn't like you."
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
I dig you a hole lot.
It’s party thyme.