What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
"It's wine o'clock."
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Goat milk?
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Beach you to it.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?