Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
You mermake me happy.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
One more thyme.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.