Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
I think therefore I yam.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
We’re calling your number.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.