I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Irish you luck.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.