How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
I really caribou-t you.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?