The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.