I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Don't fork-get your manners.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I'd love to see you s'more.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.