Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!