My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Bookworms take shelfies.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Except the direction I'm walking in.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!