I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Girl you are rocking this run.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Ice simply love it when it snows!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
You’re my lucky charm.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.