What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
I bet you’re really flexible.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Are you a red light because stop.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
You're my missing ingredient.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'