What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Say it ain’t snow.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
"Just don't carrot all."
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Biology - It grows on you.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.