Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.