“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.