Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
This is snow laughing matter!
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
My weekend is fully booked.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
The huddle is real
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…