“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Your treat or mine?
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks