What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Believe in your elf.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Join us for plenty of play action.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".