Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."