“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.