What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.

I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.

Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.

What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.

Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.

Look for a rainbow connection.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo

I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist

Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.

“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”

Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!

I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.

I've been thinking of U periodically.

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.

That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.

I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.

Can I hiber-mate with you?

“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”

- Doris Day.

I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!

My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."

My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.

My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”

What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew

What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.

Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.

"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown

Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.

Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.

What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton

Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.

I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.

You're quite the catch, baby.

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.

What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!