I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
I'm snow bored.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
Can you drive my car?
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."