The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
The weather outside is snow joke.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly