I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.