[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.

Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder

I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.

Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.

Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.

Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.

I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.

Why do you only drive automatics?

‘I could never find a manual.’

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

- Richard Jeni

How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!

How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.

Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.

My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!

What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.

Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.

Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.

Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.

What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.

What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.

What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.

“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.

“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”

Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.

There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.

I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.