Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea