My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
You are my butter-half!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.