What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.

I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.

Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”

I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.

“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.

What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.

Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.

What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.

- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.

“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke

Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.

People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.

My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.

Isabella Isabeauty for sure

"Giving you more reasons to wine."

Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.

What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!

Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?

What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!

I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.

How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.

Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.

Readers do it by the book.

What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

What did the Wife say to the Husband?

You are exhausting!

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson

Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.

My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.