How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
It’s worth a shot.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Gold riddance.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.