What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Let's do lunge together
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.