"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage