Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"It's wine o'clock."
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Make it rein.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.