Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Let’s take an elfie.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
You're the only sight I want to see today.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.