“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.