Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.