I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Sip, sip hooray."
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
You are my raisin to smile.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?