Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.