Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
"I mead more wine."
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
"I make pour decisions."
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
Did you know you look good in short pants?
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!