Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Let’s take an elfie.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.