A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
I sulfur when you argon.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Nice asteroids.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.