A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
You're hotter than a data center!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.