All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
It takes one to snow one.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
You feta have a gouda birthday.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
"I've found some bunny to love."
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!