If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
This summer is going swimmingly.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
"There's no bunny like you."
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.