I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.