I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I pitcher us together forever.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.