There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.

You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.

Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.

My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.

How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.

Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.

Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.

How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to

What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.

Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.

What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.

How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?

Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.

You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.

What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.

If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”

What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker

Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.

I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.