Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.