If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!