We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
"No eggs-cuses."
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.