“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
They say everything gets better with age.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond