"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason