“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
I like big punts and I cannot lie
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
I love you so fairy much.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.