Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..