What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
I’m fondue you.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
I'd love to see you s'more.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.