What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Here comes the sun of my life
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Let me plant one on ya!
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.