Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.

What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.

Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.

What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"

The horse said "nay."

The pig squealed.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.

Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.

What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.

What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.

Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.

A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.

What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.

Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.

This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.

"You bake me crazy."

I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.

Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.

Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.

RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.

Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!

“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference

If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.

What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.

Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."

When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!

What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!

"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"

These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.

What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.

Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.

Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….