Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
He threw three free throws.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.