Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
“Every mile is two in winter.”