I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Do you comma here often?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I can heartly wait to see you again.
"Bone to be wild."
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.