I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
You are my raisin to smile.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
You had me at cello.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.