If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Don't get tide down.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I can heartly wait to see you.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!