Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
When are you due back in heaven?
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
You had me at cello.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.