What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.