What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
I have bean thinking about you.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"