“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
I'm Havana dream about you.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.