You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
You sleigh me.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
I call the shots.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?