There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Water you doing?
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.