You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
I Wanna Be Your Man
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.