Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I “lub” you.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.