Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.

"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens

She has high elf-esteem.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.

I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.

A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.

Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.

What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.

Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?

Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!

"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.

"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

- Ryan Reynolds.

Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.

The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.

Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.

Wish upon a starfish.

Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan

I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"

Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!

Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

- Katherine Hepburn.

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.

What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.

“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.

They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.

What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?