Let’s make like an atom, and split.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!