If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Go big or go gnome.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"