Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I like big books and I cannot lie.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.