What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Can I be Candide with you?
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
You're my purr-son.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”