Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
"No body won the skeleton race."
A space fish is usually called starfish.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them