Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
You make my heart skip a beet.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
I eat eel while you peel eel
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Join us for a slice of fun.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”