Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
I like you cherry much.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.