What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I wanna bob for your apples.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!