“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
I sulfur when you argon.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.