What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!